The sandwich generation: Squeezed between growing children and aging parents

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Are you caught in the middle?

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If your kids—including adult children—still need you at the same time your aging parents need support, you’re likely part of the sandwich generation. Many adults, particularly those in their 40s, 50s, and 60s, find themselves giving time, mental and physical energy, and often financial resources to support the generations above and below them, leaving themselves sandwiched in the middle.

Helping out a family member in need—including your parents and children—can be a meaningful way to show you care, but without setting boundaries, you might struggle to keep up with your own long-term plans. It’s important to find ways to keep your financial, physical, and mental health intact, especially if you plan to retire in the not-too-distant future.

When children are young, they rely on you for everything: food, clothing, housing, transportation, love, and support. While continuing to offer love and support, it’s important to help your children spread their own wings and rely on themselves as they grow up.

As your children grow, help them develop essential financial skills. You can encourage them to earn money through a part-time job or by doing household chores. They can create and stick to a budget to build practical experience. Teach them about household expenses—such as transportation, meals, and activities—to give them a clearer picture of financial responsibility. If college is part of their future, helping them navigate their own expenses can set them up for success.

Remember that borrowing money for your children’s education could leave you with debt that lasts well into your retirement years. Teaching your kids to balance debt with a future salary is a lesson that will serve them well.

As your children graduate and begin to establish their own households, you’ll need to negotiate the fine line between generosity and interference. It may be time to step back and let them be the mature, responsible adults you raised, particularly if failing to do so will hinder your retirement.

If you become a grandparent, be considerate of your own time and emotional needs. Are you planning to be an occasional babysitter, but your child is expecting you to be an unpaid nanny? Whether you’re still working or easing into retirement, be deliberate in how you allocate your time and energy. You can still be a significant part of your grandchildren’s lives even if you have other commitments and interests.

Now for the other side of the sandwich. If your parents and/or in-laws are becoming elderly, you may have the chance to gain valuable insights and create lasting memories with them. At the same time, they may become more dependent on you, needing help with physical tasks such as yard work, cleaning, cooking, and grocery shopping.

Do your best to set boundaries and help in ways that match your available time and energy. You may need to discuss how your parents can use their savings to pay for help around the house. Encourage them to downsize and rid themselves of excess belongings and property.

Some seniors cannot afford to live on their own retirement income and need financial support from their children. You must consider your own budget and retirement savings as you spend money to help your parents. Before you dip into your own savings, make sure you’ve explored all aid options, including Medicare, private insurance policies, and their assets. If your parents have equity in a home, they might consider tapping into it via a home equity line of credit or a reverse mortgage.

If you or your spouse have siblings, talk to them about helping equally—to the extent possible—in the care of your parents. Consider time spent, proximity, and income level, as well as other responsibilities you each have, as you do your best to decide what is fair. Try to have open, honest conversations with your siblings and parents about how best to navigate these later years.

If an ailing parent requires extra assistance, you may feel you should become a free caregiver. After all, your parents raised you—so shouldn’t you jump in to help them? But unless you are a trained nurse or other caregiver, you’ll need to find skilled help for a parent with dementia or other debilitating illness. Again, make sure you’ve explored any available options for hiring help so you can focus on providing love and support without endangering your own financial or mental health.

It’s essential to check on your retirement savings periodically. How are you doing? Are you making progress?

Middle age can be a financially challenging time. You might even be satisfied to just break even, particularly if you got a good start when you were younger, and maybe you’re looking forward to those empty-nest years when you can once again amplify your savings.

But it’s best to monitor your retirement accounts, and if you’re tempted to dip into your retirement savings early—or if you’re considering an early checkout from the rat race—make sure you know what you’re getting into.

Before you help other people, make sure to maximize your own retirement savings:

Staying on track doesn’t just apply financially—it’s physical and mental as well. For many of us, when we’re being pulled in two directions by our parents and children, the first thing we neglect is our own body and brain, which makes us susceptible to burnout, illness, or injury. And then what? It will be difficult to help the other generations that rely on you if you’re now in need of help. You might take a leave of absence (and take a hit to your monthly income). You might even have to dip into your emergency savings.

Keep saving toward your retirement whenever and wherever you can. If possible, invest in your own wellness, whether it’s with a gym membership, nutritionist, meal preparation services, lawn service, housecleaning, or a mental health professional. You might find that spending a little money on your own health will help keep you going so you can better support your loved ones.

Although it can be difficult, it’s OK to say no to your kids and parents sometimes. If you or your spouse have siblings, try to make sure your support of the older generation is shared equally. If possible, before you spend money on others, pay yourself first, so you don’t derail your retirement for their sake.

Be honest with yourself and others about what you can afford. Don’t try to keep up with the Joneses. Remember the power of compounding and starting early when saving money. Invest in your health, especially if you plan to be in the workforce for a long time. If you get burned out while taking care of everyone but yourself, the sandwich won’t have any meat left.